late bloomer

okay, so I’ve been out of the circuit for a bit.  Faithful readers (mama) please forgive me.  There is of course a story here but in brief, I left my job in Strasbourg, hop scotched around Sweden, and returned on the 6th of Jan. to this sunny city in southern France.  I am extremely lucky.  I know this because in my two and a half months, I'd met a friend who offered me their summer flat until I could find something.  my friends always save me.  As soon as I got in, dropped my bags, I was SOOOO thankful for the grace of good friends.  


Exhausted from the emotional tour I'd been on (in a very good way) to then come into this tranquil modern flat all to myself felt like such a treat.  After months in a youth hostel and then as the house guest, to now have my own mini kitchen, laundry, balcony with an excellent view, ahhhh I felt I had won the lotto.  The very first thing I did was buy a beautiful bouquet and some groceries.  i then spent the next few days vegging out and panicking about my lack lustre for finding employment.  The longer I hesitated, the more daunting the task.  Finally I got the idea to make business cards (for restaurants and the like that wouldn't give a rats ass about my professional experience).

So now newly equipped, dressed, make-uped, and keen I set off on my first day at noon and quit promptly at 12:30. I slumped down by a curb and wanted to cry.  All I heard, place after place, was rejection. "non, merci"",  blank expressions and then "non, merci" or my personal favourite: "ont ne recruite jamais"  which to me sounds like "we NEVER hire".  Some wanted to see my CV, even after I'd told them my serving experience wasn't listed.  then finding out my age, marital status and nationality (all required elements in a French CV)  told me " on ne cherche pas en ce moment".  


Looking for a job is a humiliating experience.  if they think you're a customer, they're all smiles, but the instant you pull out your CV the tone changes and the roles reveres.  you now need to impress them, and they are not a happy customer.  you are now a worthless beggar to them.  this experience made me realize how much self-worth is attached to your job, and no matter what you do, it's important to feel productive, or you begin to believe the rejection is true.  you really have to put yourself out there, and keep buffing yourself up again after you have people telling you that you don't speak French, they never hire, and non, non, non.  you can't go in asking for work wareing the expression of rejection from the last place.  gotta brush yourself off again and again. 


I met a really nice manager at a seaside restaurant.  he didn't care about my CV, he wanted to chat, and so we did.  I thought things were going well and then he asked me something i didn't understand.  I asked him to repeat it, and he paused and rephrased but I think it was there, where on a calm day (I could hear him thinking) I didn't understand him, when he decided not to hire me, and really I couldn't blame him.  night after night I'd slouch home, feeling ever more like a royal looser.  I returned to this perfect little apartment, in a sunny French city and thought this is exactly what I thought I wanted, but I was feeling like a failure.  constant rejection  + loneliness + in the red and getting redder will do this to a person.  I wanted to laugh with someone about my mishaps, and how each day it seemed i was reaching new lows.  one day i'm not qualified for the cheese store and the next the grocery store turns me on heel because i needed a letter of motivation (covering letter).  i could just imagine how this would go:

to whom it may concern,

it has been my life vision to stack shelves on the midnight shift.  there's nothing more glorious than unpacking a fresh skid full of consumer goods!  i would of course attend to it in the most meticulousness manner.  you see, as a child i was fascinated with the movie 'sleeping with the enemy', and since this time it has become my personal belief (or OCD-  however you prefer to look at it) that labels should all be facing forward in exactly the same way...  

well it's now 2011.  being  that I will pass a milestone birthday: 30 (on the 30th of June) I started to reflect on where I am in my life.  lets see:  no job, no friends (in Marseille), no home, no money, no children and no significant relationship and not even a hound (I’ve wanted a dog for yeeeears).  if life is a race, I’m certainly loosing.  facebook can't help but make this more apparent for me.  but then I’ve always been a late bloomer.  I see all my friends, all people in my age range doing all the wonderful things in their lives, and though i'm truly happy for them, i can't help but feel a little stuck here in my own.  I’m not even getting better at French, which is why I came here in the first place.  I wanted to quit, but here again my friends saved me - offering encouragement, telling me how brave they thought i was (although stubborn might be more accurate)  I was ready to throw in the towel, and they'd chime in that i should think of structuring my day.  indeed this suggestion helped heaps.  all things considered, my job search was still fruitless.... so as a very last resort my next move was to go back to the accursed English teaching establishment and grovel for my job back and then something wonderful happened: I got a job working in an art gallery.  

bout de monde
 which is different than fin de monde.  "bout" in this sense only
means end as in a sausage has two ends.

well now I really couldn't believe my luck. the day before I was told that I was unqualified to sell shoes and in the next moment I found out that I’d get to spend my days in a building by the sea surrounded by beautiful art.  today I heard back from an apartment sublet - I got it, hurray!  things are looking up!